


I do not wish the loss of your existence

by EarthGirl



Category: Robot Series - Isaac Asimov
Genre: Book: The Robots of Dawn, Canon Compliant, M/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2015-08-14
Packaged: 2018-04-13 13:17:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4523511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EarthGirl/pseuds/EarthGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A speculation on what might have happened immediately after Elijah took Daneel's hand during their conversation on how they would each willingly die for the other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I do not wish the loss of your existence

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for starting with a quote from canon, but as it's a direct continuation of the scene, it wouldn't make sense otherwise.

"It is my programming, Partner Elijah," said Daneel in a voice that seemed to soften, "yet somehow it seems to me that, even were it not for my programming, saving you makes the loss of my own existence seem quite trivial in comparison."  
  
Baley could not resist this. He held out his hand and closed it on Daneel's with a fierce grip. "Thank you, Partner Daneel, but please do not allow it to happen. I do not wish the loss of your existence. The preservation of my own would be inadequate compensation, it seems to me."  
  
And Baley was amazed to discover that he really meant it. He was faintly horrified to realize that he would be ready to risk his life for a robot. - No, not for a robot. For Daneel.

Daneel’s hand stirred in his, and Baley felt his throat go dry. Was he going to remove it? But no, he couldn’t. For the second time on the trip, Baley remembered that Daneel was unable to refuse an affectionate gesture, that regardless of how much he wished to hold his hand or embrace him, he shouldn’t, as the First Law forced Daneel to endure actions that he would certainly prefer to repel if the choice was his.

Ashamed, he started to release his hold, but before he could let go, Daneel completed his own movement. He merely adjusted his hand so that their palms were touching, and then let their fingers intertwine. He closed his, pressing Baley’s hand gently, but firmly. Baley hesitated, then returned to his previous fierce grip. Still hesitant, he looked up and stared into Daneel’s eyes, which were fixated on him.

“I likewise thank you, Partner Elijah” whispered the robot. “But please do not say that again, and should we come to a dangerous situation, do not place yourself in risk, especially not on my account. Pleasant as it is to know you value my life so highly, you must remember that it is not worth as much as yours.”

“Don’t say that” said Baley, urgently. “I know your programming compels you to put humans’ safety above your own, but don’t ever let that convince you that your life is worth less than mine or anyone else’s.”

Daneel’s gaze fell to their joined hands, and there seemed to be a touch of sadness (or was Baley just imagining it?) on his voice when he spoke.

“You are kind, Partner Elijah, but you forget I am a robot.”

Involuntarily, Baley increased the pressure of his hand on Daneel’s. He realized he was trembling.

“Whatever else you are, Daneel, you are a person, and your life is worth, objectively, as much as any other. And subjectively, to me it’s worth more than most. The thought of you dying…” Baley’s voice grew strangled, and mid sentence he found himself unable to continue the thought which, once again, he had expressed before realizing that really was how he felt.

A shadow of deep concern seemed to cover Daneel’s beautiful face.

“Partner Elijah, please tell me you are not still worrying about what happened in Solaria.”

“Of course I am! Jehoshaphat, Daneel, I might have gotten you killed, I thought I had, I…”

“There was no way for you to have predicted Dr. Leebig’s suicide. It was not your fault.”

“But I could have predicted that his emotional state would be difficult for you to witness. I put you in danger. And that’s not all…” He hesitated. He hadn’t meant to let Daneel know about this incident, but it was too late to stop now. “The Earth official who first informed me of this case was very vague in her initial report. She only said that Fastolfe was being accused of having killed a humaniform robot, and I thought…”

The gentle, comfortable pressure of Daneel’s hand grew slightly stronger, and his thumb moved gently over Baley’s hand, in a soothing caress.

“As you can see, I am perfectly safe, Partner Elijah.”

“Now you are. But _if_ there was an intentional roboticide, the killer may be after you next. And you don’t seem to properly value your own existence.”

“As I have explained a few days ago, the Third Law protects me more strongly than you previously believed it to. And if it makes you feel better, I can assure you that you have just greatly added to that protection.”

Baley’s eyes widened slightly in surprise.

“How so?”

“Knowing that my deactivation…”

“Your _death_ , Daneel.”

Daneel hesitated, then conceded the point.

“As you wish. Knowing that my death would be this distressing to you gives me a much stronger impulse to defend myself.”

Baley nodded.

“Of course. First Law.”

“Not entirely.”

Baley looked at Daneel, questioningly.

“The First Law is responsible for my doing whatever is in my power to avoid distressing any human being, Partner Elijah. The mere thought of failing to do so is painful. But the thought of distressing you is much more so, and it is not completely related to what I feel when the First Law is triggered. It is much more… personal.”

Baley felt he was melting. He realized he did not know how to reply to that, and somehow it did not matter. It was enough to just stare into Daneel’s earnest, sweet gaze.

“But still,” Daneel continued, “no matter how much I wish to spare you any pain, in a situation in which a human being is in danger, I must defend them, with my life if necessary. I must, Partner Elijah.”

“I understand,” Baley forced himself to mutter. It was Daneel’s fundamental programming, and no matter how much he disagreed with it, he did not wish to cause Daneel any conflict.

“Thank you. But please, understand something else too.” Daneel’s speech became slow for a moment, as if speaking was physically difficult. “Thinking about _any_ human dying because I was negligent hurts me. Should it ever happen, I would require severe repairs. But…”

His voice failed of a sudden, and Baley’s whole being was taken by a cold panic.

“Daneel, if this topic is so distressing, we can drop it at once.”

“In a moment” said the robot, still struggling. “I need to tell you this. Even though you understand I must protect you, I fear that if we are ever in a dangerous situation, you might still try to put yourself in risk for my sake. That would not save me, Partner Elijah. If I felt responsible for any other human’s death, I would, as I was saying, need to be thoroughly repaired. But I believe I would survive. Should _you_ die while under my protection, however…”

Daneel’s voice trailed off, weakening in a most uncharacteristic manner. It was as if the possibility was too horrible for him to be able to even speak of. Baley was still trembling, but for a completely different reason. He was now holding Daneel’s hand so strongly that he would probably be hurting him if he had been human.

“You can’t mean that.”

“But I do. Partner Elijah, I do not quite understand how this can be, but I feel that your life… and safety… mean more to me than even the La…”

His voice broke mid word, and Baley said in desperation.

“Daneel, let’s change the topic.”

“Can you promise me that if you are ever in danger, you will let me do whatever is needed protect you?” said the robot.

Baley didn’t want to. How could Daneel expect him to do such a thing, to cowardly hide behind him, to worry about his own skin while Daneel risked his life?

But his delay in promising was damaging Daneel even further. Hating himself, but seeing no other option, he muttered.

“I promise.”

Daneel seemed to feel better instantly.

“Thank you,” he said, and his voice sounded strong again. He looked at Baley with what seemed to be an expression of extreme relief on his perfect face, and Baley felt himself blush. How could he mean so much to Daneel? How was it possible for a robot to speak of feeling pleasure when seeing him, and of a distress unrelated to the Three Laws when thinking about him being hurt? What had just happened made no sense. How could it be possible for a robot to say something like what Daneel had tried to say about the Three Laws?

Of course, Daneel was no ordinary robot. If it was somehow possible for a robot to feel that way, Daneel would be the one who could. But how could he feel that for someone like _him_?

They were still holding hands. The realization made him think about how differently Daneel had reacted to that than to the hug. Then, he had returned the embrace loosely, and Baley had believed himself rejected. But now Daneel had not simply endured having Baley’s hand in his, he had enthusiastically returned the gesture, he had even _caressed_ him… The memory made Baley blush deeper.

“Partner Elijah?”

Daneel’s relieved expression had given way to a questioning one. Baley’s only response was to look briefly at their hands. Daneel’s gaze followed his for a moment, and they both looked at each other again.

Was Baley imagining it, or were the piercing blue eyes actually tremulous?

His entire body leaned slightly forward, not entirely out of his own volition. Daneel remained where he was, neither approaching nor recoiling. Their faces had never been so close…

Suddenly, Baley came to his senses. He let go of Daneel’s hand, and turned hastily to the other side.

“I am sorry” he whispered, embarrassed, furious at himself for having forgotten yet again, for having almost crossed a line from which there could have been no return.

“There is no reason for you to apologize” said Daneel, making it clear that he had not understood what had been about to happen. That only made Baley feel worse. He wished he could erase the last minutes, that he could make the entire conversation disappear.

His eyes fell on the lunch Giskard had brought a few minutes ago, about which he had completely forgotten. He had never felt less hungry in his life, but he sat down and started eating, just to give himself something to do, and to be able to look at something other than Daneel without making it obvious that he did not want to meet his gaze.

After a moment, he heard a chair being dragged, and Daneel sitting down on another point of the table.

“I haven’t asked you yet, Partner Elijah… Is the training for future settlers going well?”

He wasn’t being fair to Daneel. If the robot truly didn’t know what had happened, he might be thinking that Baley’s current awkwardness was his fault. Baley allowed himself the time to sip at his water, then forced himself to look at Daneel and attempt to sound natural.

“It is going really well. I am proud of the entire group.”

“That is good. And how is your son? I heard he was very enthusiastic about the project.”

Baley forced himself to reply, and, to his surprise, as the conversation progressed his responses became less artificial. Daneel’s manner also seemed to become more natural, and the awkwardness slowly faded. Talking to Daneel felt comfortable, easy, and it was good to see his partner fully recovered from the positronic distress he had just gone through.

Baley had been lucky. That entire interaction had caused no permanent damage to either of them, or to their relationship. He felt relieved beyond words.

And quite determined that he should never let anything of that kind happen again.


End file.
